Processed.

Hm well I have some strange and exciting news. My dad had a kid before before I was born and because of extenuating circumstances he was put up for adoption. I call him my Dad's love child. He is three months older than my brother Chad. I think you can put two and two together. 

I knew about him since I was sixteen. I thought about the possibility of meeting him someday, well someday is soon. He contacted my dad last week before he left for AZ.  He lives in Kennewick. He has a daughter. So I guess I have a niece as well as a nephew. He looks like Chad. He was out up for adoption when he was two. I was a new born so I obviously have no recollection of him. His name is Kevin. My mom didn't want to raise him so my Dad gave him up. 

I feel guilty. I had our dad in my life. To me my dad was my hero growing up. The perfect image of what I thought a dad should be. I am not judging my Dad in his choice. Rather I wonder why I had him there for me, supporting me and loving me and Kevin didn't. I want to know Kevin. I feel burdened for him. I know nothing about his life. I know nothing about him. 

I think my dad must feel remorse. The person I know as my Dad wouldn't give up his children. What made me more important then Kevin? 

Once again the Lord has brought me to a place where all I can do is trust him. It's what it always comes down to for me. God is always asking me to trust Him fully. I know God is sovereign. He is always beckoning me to take my trust to the next level. Am I fully relying on God. I don't think I am. My first reaction was not to pray. My first thought was not that God is omniscient. As I write this it helps me see God in it. I am processing and learning to trust. 

I didn't want this to affect me. I wanted to cover my feeling with humor and not let people see that I am hurting. If I am overwhelmed than Kevin is probably much more so. I don't think that he is a believer. So pleas pray for him. That he could deal with all of this in a way that brings him closer to God. Hm what a week, what a week.